Category: friendships

How to Defeat Your Dementors

Harry Potter fans know who these are but for the rest of you…dementors are horrible, spectral magical creatures, hooded and robed, who feed on negative human emotions. According to the Harry Potter lexicon dementors drain ‘peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them,’ …they create a chill mist which permeates everything …They drain a wizard of its powers if left with them too long. The dementor sucks out the victim’s soul, leaving them an empty shell, alive but completely, irretrievably “gone.”

We all have our dementors, negative people who suck our energy and drain us. Some are just acquaintances, one can escape or put up barriers to protect oneself. But when they are close family and friends, bosses or employees, sometimes it’s hard to have barriers. Sometimes it’s someone we “should” love (a parent or an in-law), sometimes it’s someone we have to be around. The negativity can be subtle- criticism or comments about your weight, your cooking or heaven forbid, how you raise your children. I have a friend who deals with one such dementor and it takes the form of self deprecation where the person is so negative about herself and it falls to you to build them up, offer constant and exhausting support.

Anyone who removes your positive energy or directs negative energy at you is a dementor.

http://Harry Potter dementor from You Tube

So how do you proceed if you lack a magic spell. It’s not easy but can be done. First, you identify your dementors; it’s hard because sometimes you love them and need them. But remember you are not eliminating them (unless you can and want them out of your life). If you care for them, keep them, but isolate the negative spirit. You need to counteract that with a good dose of positive people to balance the negative. One dementor might require 5 awesome positive people (uplifters).

Limit time with negative energy, cut short your time with them and have a list of positive activities you can do with them if you have to spend time together. Add on extra good activities on your own (engaging with friends, hobbies, silly shows, things that give you pleasure) to balance the negative stuff.

Sometimes your own thoughts are the dementors and these are the hardest to identify. But it can be done by being  brutally honest. Do you look in the mirror and say “ I don’t like how I look”, “I’m so stupid”, “ I screwed up”, “ “I’m no good”?

Make a list of your your uplifters, the amazing people in your life. If you don’t have enough go find them. They are everywhere. I made a friend at the gym who is one of the most positive people I know. She had to have open heart surgery and walked out 4 days later. She says cardiac rehab is a blast. I can’t possibly feel sorry for myself around her! I paint regularly with a group of women I met at a watercolor class through the local recreation department. They don’t need to be only deep friendships though those are awesome too. I met a really interesting lady at a batik class I took. She used to be a nurse and now does political graphic art. I want to get to know her, I took her card and plan to get in touch one of these days.

I’ve had a couple of truly horrible dementors that took me into dark negative places and it took me a long time to learn to isolate them.

And it’s the uplifters (people and activities) that helped me survive these.

And try picturing the negative people as hooded dementors… it might make you smile and remind you that you can deal with them.

References/ Definitions

https://www.hp-lexicon.org/creature/dark-creatures/dementors/

https://accidentalcreative.com/teams/people-factor/

Svapna Sabnis is a pediatrician, mom and a wife. She is in private practice and is Clinical Associate Professor of Pediatrics Medical College of Wisconsin and Clinical Adjunct Professor at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health. She is an immunization advocate and Director of Immunize Milwaukee and the Wisconsin Council on Immunization Practices.

She loves to teach medical students and residents, was awarded the Best Doctors in America 2010- 2019. She is coauthor of a textbook –Pediatric Decision Making Strategies. She likes to garden and dabbles in watercolors in her free time. She’s still trying to have it all and achieve balance in her life.

Girl Friends

“Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words.”

George Eliot

What would women do without our girlfriends?

I have different girlfriend groups. My primary group is one that started when we had young children- my “mom friends”. We first met when our children were toddlers. We got together so the children could play and then found ourselves lingering to talk more. Initially about mom stuff, then other things. All of us are artists in some form, some do it professionally, the rest of us as a hobby on the side. We connected through being mothers of Indian descent, trying to celebrate Diwali, Dussehra, and for a few memorable years even Holi together.  As our children grew we could lean on each other not just to help each other out with kid stuff (pickups, drop-offs) but also with deep personal losses and sadness that come as you get older. Through illness, losses, health scares, surgery, divorce, and emotional breakdowns. We took care of each other and each other’s children. The children are teenagers and young adults now, but we still meet. One from our group moved to Australia but she’s still on our group text. We push each other to do better or more, to open our horizons. We’ve cheered each other on to professional and personal successes. We support each other through failures. We are sisters, our bond is deep and I hope unbreakable.

My other friend group consists of my friends I trained with during my residency. I’ve known these women for almost 29 years. We don’t meet as often but we have a “book club” where we try to get together a few times a year to talk about the book and catch up on each other’s lives. These are the women who understand what I do as a woman physician, who went into medicine sharing the same idealism which has turned to pragmatism. We still love our patients but not the baggage of corporate medicine. We struggle with balancing personal and family needs with work and the need to do “more” to make the world a better place. These women inspire me and also “get” my professional struggles.

Then I have my painting friends. We meet alternate weeks at each other’s homes to paint together and share painting techniques. I never paint on my own, there is always something else more urgent that must be done. But when I get together with these ladies for two hours we just paint and talk about art, politics, families, books, and movies.

I have work friends who have my back (and I theirs’), family (lovely sisters in law), and other friends I don’t meet as often as I’d like to. I’m lucky enough to have a mother who is also a girlfriend. She lives across the ocean in India but as a working mom herself, a child psychologist and an author she is my role model too. We talk several times a week, email and text. We talk about her grandchildren of course, but so much more. I get my love of art, books, travel,  and gardening from her.

Debra Tannen the author of a You’re the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women’s Friendships states- “Talk plays a larger role in many women’s friendships than it does in many men’s, and when times are tough, talk can come into its own. Telling a friend what you’re going through can make you feel less isolated.”

This talk seems to be the secret of why friendships are important to women. Socially isolated people are at greater risk of poor health -high blood pressure, heart disease, infectious diseases. When we seek out friends we are following a biological need as well. People with strong social relationships have higher survival rates and longevity. Underlying our friendships is biochemistry, an increase in hormones that help us stay happy and calm (oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine, serotonin) and a decrease in hormones that are associated with stress (cortisol). There seems to be a deep biological need for these social connections.

Strong social bonds are important for survival even in animals, not just primates, but also dolphins, giraffes, deer, bison, elephants, birds, to name a few species. These bonds are most common in females of the species.

Our women friends comfort, nurture, sustain, feed and elevate us. As Julia Child said “Remember, ‘No one’s more important than people’! In other words, friendship is the most important thing―not career or housework, or one’s fatigue―and it needs to be tended and nurtured.”

Svapna Sabnis is a pediatrician, mom and a wife. She is in private practice and is Clinical Associate Professor of Pediatrics Medical College of Wisconsin and Clinical Adjunct Professor at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health. She is an immunization advocate and Director of Immunize Milwaukee and the Wisconsin Council on Immunization Practices.

She loves to teach medical students and residents, was awarded the Best Doctors in America 2010- 2019. She is coauthor of a textbook –Pediatric Decision Making Strategies. She likes to garden and dabbles in watercolors in her free time. She’s still trying to have it all and achieve balance in her life.